When did I become a sexual beta?

I've been thinking about how long I have been a sexual beta.

When did it all start? Have I always had these beta male tendencies or did I develop them over time?

It seems like as I have gotten older, my cuckold fantasies have gotten stronger. My foot fetish has gotten more intense. I now exclusively masturbate and ejaculate while I look at women's feet. The women are not naked, except for their feet. I like fully clothed women - full length photos that include their bare feet or sexy high heels. I want the woman to exude dominance.

Have I always been like this? Did I repress these desires when I was younger?

Is it stronger because I'm older and have less testosterone? So more inclined to be a beta male. More subservient.

Maybe it's because I have a small cock.

Or maybe because of my *********** sack. It usually doesn't hang down. My balls go up inside me when I get hard.

Maybe it's because of my delicate, sensitive penis. The head is very sensitive. I have never liked rubbing the head. So I never liked to lube up and use a fist, like I am fucking. One finger and my thumb - a light touch tickling the frenulum, or squeezing the shaft to stimulate the head. I don't masturbate like a real alpha man.


Even in my youth, I've thought about what it would be like to suck a cock. I tried to suck mine - but I'm not very flexible and my cock is small - so was never successful.

The girls I dated wanted a dominant man. They wanted to fuck. They liked hard cocks and getting banged. How could I tell then I wanted to jerk off all over their toes and lick them clean?

None of the guys I hung out with ever talked about feet. Only tits and fucking. In fact, I remember looking at a penthouse with a buddy. There was a small picture of just the woman's feet. I really liked it but the first thing he said was "what a waste of space".

So when did I really become a foot obsessed, beta-sexual male?

I decided to think back to impressionable memories from many years ago.

I have a clear memory of elementary school. I had a teacher - she always wore high heels, stockings and a relatively short skirt. I remember sitting on the floor, against a wall, during a school function. Chairs were lined up towards the stage. That teacher sat down in front of me, looking at the stage. She crossed her legs. I could see the arch of her foot peeping over her shoe. Her thigh was exposed as her skirt slid due to a slit in the skirt. She moved her foot up and down. She ignored me. I was looking up at her and I was mesmerized. I remember being aroused.

I remember a couple of distant female cousins during my teenage years. Christmas celebration and they showed up in skirts and stockings. I was enthralled by the shape of their feet. One cousin has such shapely feet - beautiful smooth arches and cute toes. I remember trying to sit as close as I could to their feet. I had many masturbation fantasies about those feet.

I remember looking in the sears catalog. At the start I looked at the women wearing bras. But very quickly I switched to look at the women wearing skirts and high heels. Sitting in chairs - their legs crossed. The christmas edition was always a pleasure since there would be fancier dresses and sexier shoes. Ladies wearing pajamas, in their bare feet.

When I reached highschool I do remember one specific chick. Of all the girls, she was the one I remember. She always wore a pair of strappy high heels that showed off the arch of her foot. She had small feet. I did not see her toes in those shoes but I couldn't help but stare at her smooth pretty arches.

Definitely at a young age, I was focused on female feet. My little penis would stir at the site of a woman in high heels, wearing stockings, or bare foot. Jerking off definitely involved legs and feet.

Around the end of high school, we were introduced to the world of the "Club" magazine. This was the first time there was a magazine where there was a guy with a hard on. I remember reading an article about a girlfriend not allowing her boyfriend to cum, and when she finally allowed him to cum, he had to eat it. I remember jerking off to this story many times. I remember a set of pictures of a guy with a girl. She was wearing high heels. The guy had a big, hard cock. He was fucking her on a counter. Her heels were in the air. I would look at those pictures and think about kissing or licking her feet and cupping his balls while he fucked her.

It was around this time that I started to collect picture clippings from Sears flyers or pages from magazines like Chatelaine.

I had two favorite pictures.

A woman sitting in a short skirt wearing strappy high heels. Her legs were crossed. Her toes were visible and her arch was so smooth and exposed. She had a sneer on her face. I would fantasize kneeling by her feet, begging that she let me jerk off on her feet. I think crossed legs is such a dominant pose.

Another favorite was from a Sears catalog. 5 Young women wearing pajamas together. All bare foot. They were laughing and smiling. Those laughing girls were laughing at me. They laughed at my small cock and how weird I masturbated. I remember using my left hand to hold my cock while I furiously rubbed the underside with my finger tip. I would masturbate many times in a row like that. My little penis got so sore but the orgasm was awesome.

These desires continued through university - I remember 2 girls specifically who consistently wore black leather pointed high heels. The kind of heel that showed the curve of the arch of the foot. Even some toe cleavage. One girl was kinda ugly. I had no attraction to her - but when she wore those shoes, my poor little penis would stir with delight. The other was hot - I fantasized I was her bitch. There was a girl I studied with. She was cute. She always wore shoes where the arch of her foot would peep over the shoe. She would arch her feet and I could see the smooth silky arch.

One of favorite pictures was from an old penthouse magazine. A woman was sitting on a couch. She was wearing strappy high heels. Her feet were on the couch, sitting with her legs open. Her pussy was so inviting. I would fantasize kneeling by her feet. She wouldn't let me fuck her. I was allowed to lick her toes and jerk my little cock while she masturbated.

I had another favorite. A girl was holding a hard glistening cock with her left hand. It was a close up of the cock. She had her mouth open, about to put it in her mouth. I would fantasize either being her, or beside her, helping her lick and suck that big hard circumsized cock.

At one point I really got into looking at shemales. It was a huge turn on to see these "girls" who clearly were bigger than me, harder than me and had big balls that hung down. You could see the outline of the testicle in their sack. Clearly I was the bitch. Even the gurls who were smaller than me - I was still their bitch. I would furiously jerk my little cock while fantasizing that I was their subservient little cock sucker.

Now one of my favourite masturbation material is from revolveDOTcom.

Reflecting on these most impressionable, vivid memories, from childhood to teenage to adult years, I have come to realize that I have always had a foot fetish and have always been a beta cuckold, when it comes to sex. It wasn't something generally accepted when I was growing up and it's not something a growing, testosterone-filled guy wants to admit. But definitely I'm a sexual beta and have been my whole life.